The Silent Dreamer.

"You the type that keep things to yourself," 

I knew. I thought.

"Might be careful of your own feelings, don't keep so much" 

 I noticed.. I only smiled at my best friend. 

One mask to another.

When I thought back of what my best friend said- I would wonder why there's so many things I have keep in? I might break myself like this if this keeps on. But after I thought of that, I found that I always keep telling myself; 

"Oh.. I shouldn't say that. There are many people who much suffer than I am," 

Oh wow.. I don't even know why I'm this... low. But yet, I'm struggling to fight away the feelings that can break me in the inside- it was a very tough journey for a youngster like me, throughout my life. And I've realized each day I passed through- the feeling that you were so low were there clinging heavily on my little heart. No matter what I look, no matter where I laughed or smile- but those feelings.. Those small problem yet affective matter were lurking about inside. When I think about this- the first thing that came to my mind were my friends and my siblings.  The people that of course closest to me.

Then lets start with my big elder sister.  

What can I say about her? She's pretty, cute, nice, sometimes she is aggressive and a hard on but those things makes her stronger, she's also smart and intelligent; an easy person to be with, more experienced and many that I couldn't think of. I do love her- so much. 

But standing next to her... I knew my parents will look at her- despite my parents continuously encourage me that they loved us equals (which I know they meant well)- but I couldn't help but noticed that there are few times they treated her more than they did to me. Not to say I'm jealous, I just felt like I'm not good enough. Yet I managed to push that aside! Until that moment where my dad or mom could say that she's better in things that I couldn't do. Who won't feel it? I do, it was hurt, but once again- I pushed that feelings aside and act nothing happen as I tried to build more confidence quietly in the inside.

Then my little brother. He's cute and a smart-mouth but that's what makes him special, he knows which one is right and wrong despite at such a young age where boys should go wild and care less of their surroundings and important matters like families. Even so he's not good in his grades, but he tried to catch up. He's a sweet boy but mischievous which mom and dad loved him dearly. When there's sorrow rolled upon- he would there to speak whatever crossed his mind no matter what people said- in short, honest and blunt. I can tell, he will be the man that can stood up to his own right without anything that can waver him and with might. 

And my friends... I can say they smarter and intelligent than me. Funny too, fun to be with. Very adult-talker and good in conversation. They are at times one of them was short temper but I knew its just their way to express their little tensions at me.

The silent tears that I always have.

But I wonder what about me? What is my fortune for myself? If I do ask that to anyone. I know what they will answer. 

- I'm kind? 

You think being kind was all that main thing about me? What is it bring good to me? There are many people that took advantage of me if I'm being nice- and no one can stood up for me nor see what I see. Some times, just because of I'm being nice as a human being- For ex: helping my friend out and advising her to change her old and bad person of her life -people will thought that I'm just as bad as her but all I wish is for her to see what I see. But I guess I'm wrong. I don't even know why just because I'm trying to help- people will look down at me. 

- I'm pretty/cute? 

I don't want about appearances. Please stop. Mom. you too. I don't need this.

- I'm smart, wise and intelligent? 

Stop flattering me. I've tried. But my grades isn't that high as my friends' 

I don't know, those just examples and used to hear them from people that I known of. Wow. It looked like an attention seeker eh? My apologies. *bows* 

I envy of my close friends sometimes- they not just only smart, intelligent and all. But to have a friend like me that they can cry on and listen to. Which leads me to wonder, will there be anyone I can cry on? Asking about my condition? Giving the same piece of advice like I do? Seeing through the sad mask that has been put on and ask because of being worry? 

I think.. I'm just being naive. Its always about that, but I fought to be strong for myself. 

I cried silently. And no one can see that except for one- God. 

 In the after pray- I found myself often crying, pity and even think that I can't bring any benefits to myself if I keep on like this. 

"Oh God, please give me strength," Those words were recite in my mind along to be in need of forgiven to God. I'm not perfect, I knew I'm not. And for that, I cried- but at the same time I don't want to always cry. I want to stand too. With my own will. 

And so it begins- the everyday of my life living with this feeling and struggle so much to overcome it. 

O' Allah, forgive me. 

I'm a musilmah, Islam.
So please... Let me live as one and die as one.

//Trisyia.